i just wrote this short story, it is unedited, for your enjoyment. so you can see how things come out of my head.
Family Value
Value, a word most people have not idea what it really means, a word thrown around as if it were itself just another ideal. It has, this word a value and meaning unto itself that exceeds the Webster definition. Its is a thing alive, a thing, this word value, that carries with it the entire weight of what we as a race have come to define ourselves by. 3 year?s ago I learned just how much I took this seemingly simple word for granted. How much I misjudged my own value.
We were heading out to a family reunion, I, my wife and 3 kids. We?d packed everything the night before for the long ride to Ohio from Lansing mi. we got up and had our breakfast, the kids loaded the van as I looked over the morning paper. Julie, she kept poking me in the side to hurry up, but I had to see my horoscopes for the day.
I sat there looking at it, there was no way it could be real, this had to be some kind of miss print or joke, when Julie came to poke me again I jumped out of my skin almost, the paper falling to floor.
?Brian,? said Julie, ?what the hell was that all about??
Her question was lost on my ears the first time she said it, I heard it after she yelled my name to get me to snap out of it. Picking up the paper I showed her what it said, I asked her if she knew anything about it, if one of her co-works had printed it as some kind of joke.
She looked at it for a moment and tossed it to the ground, took my hand and pulled me out the door saying,
?I?ve told you a thousand times Brian, not to read those things, they?re nothing and mean nothing. Let it go, besides why would anyone at my paper change that one horoscope just to mess with you??
I locked the door and everyone pilled into the van and we headed out. The first hour of the drive was a little quiet but good. We made great time, I remember Julie pointing out this other van, it was white with purple coolers tied to the top of it. The windows were blacked out, and she joked that it was for the dead. Everyone laughed but me; I just looked at her, and decided to pull off for gas.
The ramp was to Lansing road; it was maybe 10 min from the Ohio boarder. As many times as I?ve driven this way I don?t remember ever seeing this ramp or road, I remember not really paying any attention to it. we used the bathrooms, got gas, drinks and snacks and headed back to the freeway.
The ramp said To Toledo 58 miles, 58 miles later and we found ourselves driving through Detroit, it was way later than it should have been and, the reunion would have been mostly over by now. Julie was really upset, she said I fucked up the trip on purpose and in a huff said to just head home.
We woke up and it was? Saturday? But? I put it out of my head and headed down stairs to join Julie and our 2 kids as we got ready to go to family reunion down in Ohio. As the kids loaded everything into the van I picked up the paper as I locked the front door. Julie had to run back in for her breakfast of coffee and cigarettes, so I opened the paper to the horoscopes and read mine for the day.
I didn?t notice Julie hitting me in the arm saying we?d be late, because of what was written. For some reason I felt like I?d done this, that was silly, days don?t play out over and over again? I was distracted by the kids fighting. I turn round and address them.
?Donny, don?t do that, you know your sister is younger than you. If you want to be a real man you don?t hit a woman, no matter what she say?s or does to you.?
?Brian? called Julie really lightly, ?whose Donny?, that?s Timothy??
Her words trailed off as I looked at her and she had the strangest look on her face, as if she remembered something, then lost it. she cleared her mind in that typical way that she always does by making a joke and saying to make it so. I could tell that the demotion from editor to copy person at the paper really had her upset.
About an hour into the drive Julie pointed out this purple van with white coolers strapped to its top and joke it was for the dead, that they were following us. And sure enough 10 min later it was in front of us again? only? there was a kid looking out the back window?
?Donny..?? I said out loud, to which Julie being roused out of her road daze asked me what I said. ?that kid in the back of the van? I?ve seen him before? Julie looks up and asked me ?what kid??
Not only was he gone but so was the van, racing off ahead of us. The need gas bell dinged and we pulled off at the Lansing road exit.
?Julie do you remember this road ever being here before or us ever using it??
She looked at me like I was stupid, saying, ?Brian it has to have always been here, roads don?t just pop up out of no where. And I am sure we?ve pulled off here before, see I remember that gas station its got a bathroom in the back, that?s unlocked and for boys and girls alike.?
And true to what she said it was. So after filling up, getting drinks and snacks we headed back out onto the freeway. 48 miles to Toledo the sign said. Half an hour later the sun was going down for some reason and we were driving north through Detroit. Julie was really upset and wanted to know how I had managed to get so utterly turned around with out ever heading north? we could not figure it out and ended up just heading back home to Ann Arbor. We got into a big fight that night and I ended up sleeping on the couch.
The alarm on my cell phone went off and I woke slowly. I know we?d had a nasty fight the night before, and that Julie had it seems been up all night drinking. She?d lost her job as a paper delivery person. How could her boss do that to her I?d heard her say in the middle of the night way to drunk to know she was talking out loud.
After we got cleaned up she helped out daughter load the van. I watched them as I stood there wishing I?d had enough money to buy razors, as I looked at the morning paper. I knew some how I?d done this before, that I?d stood here watching her help the kid?s?kid load the van. Pausing I begin to open the paper, almost knowing how it will read,
?Don?t go to the reunion if you love your family, today is the day you will lose one if you go.? And sure enough, that?s what it said. Before I could say anything about it, Julie ripped the paper out of my hands and slapped me for even looking at it.
?How can you do that to me, look at this after what happened to me? God Brian some times I think you?re lost in some little world of you own. Fuck! ? Either get in the van or we leave with out you.?
The last part was hissed at me, And I forgot about the doom laden warning. As we drove out I kept seeing things that seems to be familiar, a red van with white and purple coolers, another with purple and red coolers, both with the windows blacked out, Julie saying she wished she was in one of them, at least the dead knew where they were going.
I had to get off the freeway. I pulled off close to the boarder of Ohio at Lansing road. There was a rough looking gas station there. We got our gas and Julie got a 40 of beer. Our little girl, trying to stay as small as she could in the back seat, asked why her brothers were gone.
I and Julie both looked back at her and could not believe what she had just said. We must have stared at her for a long time with out mouths open because when Julie finally said she didn?t have any brothers, and that it was goddamned mean to even say that, knowing the last child we tried to have almost killed her. Julie turned her anger on me and started yelling at me to get us to damned reunion so she could get good and drunk, that maybe she would fuck my brother this year. As I turned on to the ramp heading to Ohio I noticed the sign, Toledo, 38 miles.
We drove in silence until we found ourselves driving north into Detroit. I could not understand how it happened, Julie went mad with rage saying I did it on purpose, that I fucking hated her. For a moment I almost did? but all I could do was drive us home apologizing to her the entire way.
I woke up, and found the coffee, it was cold, Julie had started it the night before and turned it off in the middle of the night. I didn?t care. All I wanted to do was get to the reunion and tell everyone that me and Julie would not be together much longer if she could not stop using. To ask the family to help for once.
She had come in just as I was getting ready to go to her room and wake her. She?d been out partying all night again. Why she kept going to that guy at the paper to get high and cheat on me I?ll never know. She laughed at me as she through the paper at me. It was damp from the sprinklers but open to the horoscopes. She came over stinking of semen and urine. She pointed to my scope and headed to the shower laughing.
I could not believe what I was reading, ?Don?t go to the reunion if you love your family, and today is the day you will lose one if you go Brian.?
?Do you think this is some kind of joke Julie?? all I get is laughter from the shower; she comes out putting new cloths on, this look of death in her eyes.
?What?s wrong Brian, scarred you?ll loose me sooner than you planned on? Are you scarred your little fuck toy will go away if me and you brother are in the same place??
I ignore what she said and motion to the car and she goes quiet. A look of utter sorrow and lose on her face. The ride down is silent save for her trying to control her addiction by pointing out odd cars on the road. It?s the van we end up behind for almost an hour that really seems to./.. I don?t even know how to describe it. it looked normal enough white with a odd rang of colored coolers strapped to the top and back of it.
Julie stared calling out names, Donny, Timothy, Tammy? she?d cry a little and look at me and say she was sorry. As Lansing road came closer I knew I had to pull off and get her something to help her get through the day. At around 4:30pm she was able to score some pot from a trucker and we headed out again. The sign to Toledo read 28 miles.
About 40 min later we were heading north through Detroit, Julie said he needed to puke and I pulled to the side so she could. She got out and ran up the ramp. I don?t know why I just sat there watching her run off, laughing insanely. In the end all I could do was close the door and head home.
It was cold when I woke up, the power had been shut off. Loosing my job last month was hard for me to take. I almost didn?t get out of bed. I lay there till I heard the paper boy go by. I said fuck it and got up and snuck out and grabbed the neighbor?s paper. I tossed into my car, got dressed, grabbed the last of my money and headed out. My brother had called the night before and used the last of my minutes to let me know about the family reunion that was taking place today in Toledo.
While I waiting in line to get my coffee from the fast food place I looked at my horoscope, it said ?today will be the beginning of the last day of the rest of your life.?
I laughed a little and threw the paper out as I drove by the trash can.
It was a long quiet drive, at 10 miles to Toledo I went to turn off at Lansing road, but a black van covered in black coolers cut me off and forced me to stay on the freeway. I said fuck and hopped I could get gas after the reunion.
I had no idea it would take so long to find the park it was being held at. By the time I got there, its was getting dark and there was no one there. I was too tired and apathetic to care much really so I parked and headed towards the largest gazebo. It began to rain as I walked up, I had not noticed clouds all day but sure as fuck it was raining?
I ran up and into the gazebo and to my amazement there was someone there.
?hello Brian, glad you could make it.?
I looked at this guy but could not seem to place his face or voice?? do I know you?? I asked.
?Would you like a smoke Brian? I have your brand,? he holds up a pack of cloves the black ones from India. ?I know how much you like these? he says shaking one out for me.
I reach out and take it, he offers me a light and I accept. The rain starts coming down so hard I can no longer see my car. Turning back to the stranger I asked him if a family reunion took place here today.
?Yes Brian it did, and everyone missed you. They were so upset you and your family could not come?.
Family I think to myself, who is this guy, I?d never been married before. And as if he?d read my mind he began to speak.
?of course you did Brian, but you ignored every warning we gave you, don?t you know the value of a divine message? Have you always been so stubborn??
I step back a bit and start to get a little scared as he lights a smoke with out a lighter or matches, just by snapping his fingers, his eyes glowing for a moment with the sick green color of gangrene, the pupils disappearing all together when this happens. His hand is on my shoulder now, and he points out towards the parking lot.
I look and the rain parts like a curtain and that van that cut me off is there. Only now it?s lit from the inside and I can see people in it. I can hear them calling out to me, and everything begins to replay in my mind, all the way back to the first warning. ?Don?t go out today stay home, don?t go to the reunion, Satan is waiting for you. If you value yours and your families lives don?t go, he?s going to take your family away from you. ?
I look back at the stranger, and he begins to laugh has he shoves a knife into my gut and I am pulled back towards the van by hands dripping flesh.
That was three years ago, I learned the meaning of the word value, that?s for sure ?
All I can do now is drive that damned van as we collect the damned and the dead, my family butchering those we collect as part of our toil in hell.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
the flavor of time
today started off like most days, dreams of things forgotten held aloft by this notion that i can fly... and in my dreams i do just that, i fly. well i do more than that in most dreams, but that is a conversation for another day all together, lets get back to today.
Then after the morning events of do this, this, this, and this, in this order, i sat down in front of my computer and looked for a person to talk to, i was blessed and graced with a dear friend from California being online and eager to talk with me, let me back up a bit, my cognitive linear recall is as always a little skewed.
There was this program on the History channel about Mary Shelly... and it got me thinking about how that summer in Sweden with Percival Shelly, lord Byron and his mistress and his doctor must have been amazing. the dinner parties at her fathers home in her youth where the great minds would gather once a month for a dinner and share idea's... it got me thinking of how we have lost those things and i became inspired and when i finally began talking with my friend whom i will call Bina, i began to, well this is the series of short thoughts that spilled out of me today...
"what soul can breath with out the breath of its muse, to give it reason and will."
"I felt the winds of madness wash away the sins of perdition in the fury of my desire! so much blood and so little time, the world to please."
"right now, in me, here on this world, i feel the diction of my soul spilling forth into the void of creation and giving birth to eternity."
"how to please the world, a desire of greed fed by sensual bleeding, consumed in the passing of a breath, as i die in your womb, reborn."
"how deeply do we burn when we steal from our own dreams and desires to feed the hopes of lust and brutality."
she was taken by all of them, they are profound thoughts and ideals that make one wonder, where do these things spring forth from. Are we as beings both human and in my case, Vampire/Incubus,all attuned to the same source that such inspiration springs from? Or are there only a few beings in a life time or even in a generation, that are fertile enough spiritually and mentally to give birth to these kinds of ideals.
Or maybe, it is a state of madness that breeds them and like a virus spreads to the other minds by way of forced reality. That is to say that the mind of madness is stronger than the communal mind that seems to govern the status of what society dictates is normal, even sane.
at any rate, i found them to be wonderful statements, up till i realized, i had written them before, that they were never published at that time, and had been lost to time... and here i am again saying them, writing them. it was the program about Shelly that brought them out, and they fit the feel of a poet of the time, the poet i had been... still am?
all this brings me to the full point of my elicit babbling, vampires in general. I've talked with a few here and there, most i discount simply because their condition is nothing like my own, but i realize, with my flawed memory of things, times... i do not have a right to judge those i have not met in person, and wonder if i have a right to judge them at all.
I know what i am, and have known from as early and age as any "human" can be sure of anything at all. so when i hear a "vampire" claim to be over 500 or even 800 years old, i kind of smile, and wonder if they are being literal, or referencing the kind of "immortality" that i suffer from. how many of us are there really, how many are just humans that want to be something that i would never wish on my worst enemies. or am i so completely different from even the vampires of this world that i don't belong in either the human or the vampire worlds?
I have been haunted for as long as i can remember by a dream, that sometimes rapes my daytime freedom from it, for as long as i can remember being alive.
one other person out there knows what that dream is, cause she has been haunted by it as well... the words in it... the way they are laid out, the formation of thought that binds them in will, the force that keeps us here. we don't like raspberries, and recently, science has found that the milky-way galaxy if it had a flavor would be raspberries due to the chemical chain that gives them their flavor is in a large part of the clouds that make it up.
do we even belong here/?
(spelling of the word raspberries may be incorrect. i accept this and point it out, that i just dont care right now.)
Then after the morning events of do this, this, this, and this, in this order, i sat down in front of my computer and looked for a person to talk to, i was blessed and graced with a dear friend from California being online and eager to talk with me, let me back up a bit, my cognitive linear recall is as always a little skewed.
There was this program on the History channel about Mary Shelly... and it got me thinking about how that summer in Sweden with Percival Shelly, lord Byron and his mistress and his doctor must have been amazing. the dinner parties at her fathers home in her youth where the great minds would gather once a month for a dinner and share idea's... it got me thinking of how we have lost those things and i became inspired and when i finally began talking with my friend whom i will call Bina, i began to, well this is the series of short thoughts that spilled out of me today...
"what soul can breath with out the breath of its muse, to give it reason and will."
"I felt the winds of madness wash away the sins of perdition in the fury of my desire! so much blood and so little time, the world to please."
"right now, in me, here on this world, i feel the diction of my soul spilling forth into the void of creation and giving birth to eternity."
"how to please the world, a desire of greed fed by sensual bleeding, consumed in the passing of a breath, as i die in your womb, reborn."
"how deeply do we burn when we steal from our own dreams and desires to feed the hopes of lust and brutality."
she was taken by all of them, they are profound thoughts and ideals that make one wonder, where do these things spring forth from. Are we as beings both human and in my case, Vampire/Incubus,all attuned to the same source that such inspiration springs from? Or are there only a few beings in a life time or even in a generation, that are fertile enough spiritually and mentally to give birth to these kinds of ideals.
Or maybe, it is a state of madness that breeds them and like a virus spreads to the other minds by way of forced reality. That is to say that the mind of madness is stronger than the communal mind that seems to govern the status of what society dictates is normal, even sane.
at any rate, i found them to be wonderful statements, up till i realized, i had written them before, that they were never published at that time, and had been lost to time... and here i am again saying them, writing them. it was the program about Shelly that brought them out, and they fit the feel of a poet of the time, the poet i had been... still am?
all this brings me to the full point of my elicit babbling, vampires in general. I've talked with a few here and there, most i discount simply because their condition is nothing like my own, but i realize, with my flawed memory of things, times... i do not have a right to judge those i have not met in person, and wonder if i have a right to judge them at all.
I know what i am, and have known from as early and age as any "human" can be sure of anything at all. so when i hear a "vampire" claim to be over 500 or even 800 years old, i kind of smile, and wonder if they are being literal, or referencing the kind of "immortality" that i suffer from. how many of us are there really, how many are just humans that want to be something that i would never wish on my worst enemies. or am i so completely different from even the vampires of this world that i don't belong in either the human or the vampire worlds?
I have been haunted for as long as i can remember by a dream, that sometimes rapes my daytime freedom from it, for as long as i can remember being alive.
one other person out there knows what that dream is, cause she has been haunted by it as well... the words in it... the way they are laid out, the formation of thought that binds them in will, the force that keeps us here. we don't like raspberries, and recently, science has found that the milky-way galaxy if it had a flavor would be raspberries due to the chemical chain that gives them their flavor is in a large part of the clouds that make it up.
do we even belong here/?
(spelling of the word raspberries may be incorrect. i accept this and point it out, that i just dont care right now.)
Monday, September 21, 2009
tents and rain
today, i will have to put up a tent in the rain... not looking forward to this. but it's a necessary evil for the days events. today ... well tonight we will be celebrate winter finding. it's an Asatru event, this will be my first one. glee!
Friday, September 18, 2009
hope
hope is a thing we try to maintain, it is elusive, painful, life giving, murderous. with out it.... we live in darkness, shadows of our own regret, a suffering unlike any mortal men or woman are meant to suffer. if we do not step forward and take risk, will live with out hope.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
club ghost
co
We met as people often do, by chance. There was a moment in that meeting that caused us both to pause, there on the dance floor and stare deeply into each other. Not just into one another’s eyes you understand, but into the heart of the beast that beat within each of us.
The count down to new years had begun and we stood there staring, the crowd around us had faded away for at least me, and when the cheer went up “Happy New Year”, we stepped in closer and kissed.
I did not know who she was, but I felt as if I had known her all my life. We continued to kiss and my world spun round and round and I became dizzy in her embrace. The music began to play again and still we kissed as her friends and mine danced around us, a barrier against the rest of the world. I vaguely remember dancing with her as we kissed, was that why I was dizzy?
I don’t know how much time went by before we found a place to sit and talk. I was drunk on her, and in her eyes was reflected that same drunkenness in me. We spoke of who we are, and what we wanted in life and marveled at how much alike in mind and desires we were.
Soon the friends I had come with, and those that had came with her, found us and we found we had many friends in common. How we had gone blind of one another was a mystery, and we all shared a great laugh in spite of it.
Then she confessed that she had been watching me for a long time, and on several occasions tried to catch my eye as she had tonight, and failed every time.
She spoke as everyone listened, and talked of her knowledge of my gifts, my charity, and my willingness to step up and help those that needed it. She asked if I could help her, if I could save her from a terrible fate, she called me her Lancelot.
When it came time for her to leave I was heartbroken and went about the place for the rest of the night sickened in my heart and soul, I had forgotten to get her information, or even her name…
The drive home was empty and I railed against my ignorance, damning myself for a fool the whole way. So when I pulled into my driveway and found her sitting on my porch waiting in the cold for me, almost frozen to the cold stone, I wept.
I could not help but run up and embrace her, then quickly help her inside out of the cold. Once in my apartment I did my best to warm her and when she was ready to talk asked her why she had sat there waiting for so long. How did she know I would be home in time to save her, her answer was simple.
“You love me, and I didn’t give you my name.”
The rest of the night was a blur, we began to drink and she danced and sang for me, her flexuous body writing a spell in the air around her, her voice the current that gave that spell power. And the more power was fed that spell, the less I remembered of the night. There came a time from whence I have no memory other than her voice and the silken touch of her body.
When morning came I was alone in my bed and hurt all over from head to toe, it took me hours to even rise and begin my day. When I got to my phone I found over 30 messages on it. Each of my friends had tried, each had called several times, each message was short and urgent, “please call me as soon as you can.” What else could I do?
As I was dialing my oldest and dearest friend, one that does not even live in the same state as myself, she came out of the bathroom, (had I not just been in there… alone?) still wet from the shower I must have not noticed due to my exhaustion. She danced up to me, taking hold of me tightly and kissed me as deeply as she could.
We both needed air and broke and she looked into my eyes and smiled, before I could say anything about needing to call my friends back, she said.
“Lets stay in, and turn off our phones, I want to consume you, inside and out, I want to spend the rest of my life with you right here and never leave!”
She then ran into the kitchen and began preparing breakfast for us, her body still bar as she danced in there, some privet song giving her body its direction. She suggested I take a shower and freshen up before we ate, so I headed off to comply.
I stood in the flow of the hot water for almost and hour before it began to run cold. As the water turned off I could hear my phone ringing again, I thought to ask my lithe little fey to answer it but I realized I still didn’t know her name. I stepped out of the bathroom and found she was not there. My phone had again stopped ringing. I moved into the kitchen and breakfast was waiting for me, but she was not there.
After I finished cleaning up, and putting my kitchen back in order, my phone began to ring again, I was determined not to miss it, but as I entered the living room, she was there turning it off. She smiled at me saying, “its time for us to finally be alone.” And my phone was off and tossed aside.
We began as we had the night before, her dancing and singing her spell, this time I joined her, and did my best to keep up with her bodies motion, humming along with her song, I cant remember what the words were, but they were lovely. I remember she seemed to still be wet from the shower, almost cold like she had been when I first brought her in the night before…
*knock, knock, knock*
I look up and realize I am alone, and someone is at my door. I look around and go to call for her, but still I have not gotten her name…
“Damn its Stephen, open the door, it’s me Cat!”
I am not sure why but my body again is all soar and tired; it’s a struggle to make it to the door. As I open it Cat looks in and turns white and almost screams, I fall back and wonder why I am so cold.
Cat recovers and enters the room, grabbing a blanket and putting it over me and helping me to the couch. It must have been several hours before I could understand what she was trying to say. Every now and then I would see my little fey in the door to my bedroom begging me to make her leave, then she would not be there, just a wisp of smoke it seemed remained. Every time she would fad away I would begin to cry again, the pain of not having her near unbearable.
Cat noticed finally what was going on and slapped me hard in the face, saying something about a hospital, my having a fever… I passed out.
When I wake, cat is still with me, but now I am in a hospital bed, and the doctors are saying there is nothing wrong with me that they can find, no reason for me to be in the shape I am in. I lay quietly there till they have gone and I am alone with cat.
“What’s going on,” I ask her, “why am I here?”
“we Had been trying to reach you for days, and finally I came over to your place, and you were sick, really sick. You had a fever of 105 when I got there.”
“I guess I owe you some thanks then.”
“damned strait you do,” cat said, “but I have some bad news for you, and I really don’t know how else to say it…”
“Where is the girl I was dancing with, I never got her name, was she still with me when you showed up?”
My question stops cat in mid sentence, cutting her off, and scaring her at the same time.
“What do you mean still with you?” She asked
“When I got home from the club that night” I begin to explain,” she was sitting on my porch waiting for me. I took her in and we ended up humping for the rest of the night. Then she made me … wait did you say, you guys were attempting to reach me for a week?”
Cat just sat there looking at me, paler than she normally was, even with her manic panic makeup, a tear streaking its way to her chin. When she began to talk her voice was shaking and broken, I could tell she was fighting with herself not to break down and start crying her heart out.
“Stephen… she died in a car crash New Years night, she drowned…”
As her words settled in I could hear her voice singing to me again, I could feel the cold wet silk of her body next to mine… her words clear this time.
“My name is Laura, I love you, please don’t let me die, I know you’re a vampire, please take me home with you, make me one of you.”
I remember telling her at the club, that I couldn’t do it, at least not with out knowing her better. I tried to convince her to come home with me, but she said she could not, that she was still with someone. And she cried at me saying she could not live without me that if I didn’t do this I would never see her again, that I would regret it.
My heart ached painfully knowing that I did love her, why I can’t say, just that I did, and knew I would for the rest of my life…
We met as people often do, by chance. There was a moment in that meeting that caused us both to pause, there on the dance floor and stare deeply into each other. Not just into one another’s eyes you understand, but into the heart of the beast that beat within each of us.
The count down to new years had begun and we stood there staring, the crowd around us had faded away for at least me, and when the cheer went up “Happy New Year”, we stepped in closer and kissed.
I did not know who she was, but I felt as if I had known her all my life. We continued to kiss and my world spun round and round and I became dizzy in her embrace. The music began to play again and still we kissed as her friends and mine danced around us, a barrier against the rest of the world. I vaguely remember dancing with her as we kissed, was that why I was dizzy?
I don’t know how much time went by before we found a place to sit and talk. I was drunk on her, and in her eyes was reflected that same drunkenness in me. We spoke of who we are, and what we wanted in life and marveled at how much alike in mind and desires we were.
Soon the friends I had come with, and those that had came with her, found us and we found we had many friends in common. How we had gone blind of one another was a mystery, and we all shared a great laugh in spite of it.
Then she confessed that she had been watching me for a long time, and on several occasions tried to catch my eye as she had tonight, and failed every time.
She spoke as everyone listened, and talked of her knowledge of my gifts, my charity, and my willingness to step up and help those that needed it. She asked if I could help her, if I could save her from a terrible fate, she called me her Lancelot.
When it came time for her to leave I was heartbroken and went about the place for the rest of the night sickened in my heart and soul, I had forgotten to get her information, or even her name…
The drive home was empty and I railed against my ignorance, damning myself for a fool the whole way. So when I pulled into my driveway and found her sitting on my porch waiting in the cold for me, almost frozen to the cold stone, I wept.
I could not help but run up and embrace her, then quickly help her inside out of the cold. Once in my apartment I did my best to warm her and when she was ready to talk asked her why she had sat there waiting for so long. How did she know I would be home in time to save her, her answer was simple.
“You love me, and I didn’t give you my name.”
The rest of the night was a blur, we began to drink and she danced and sang for me, her flexuous body writing a spell in the air around her, her voice the current that gave that spell power. And the more power was fed that spell, the less I remembered of the night. There came a time from whence I have no memory other than her voice and the silken touch of her body.
When morning came I was alone in my bed and hurt all over from head to toe, it took me hours to even rise and begin my day. When I got to my phone I found over 30 messages on it. Each of my friends had tried, each had called several times, each message was short and urgent, “please call me as soon as you can.” What else could I do?
As I was dialing my oldest and dearest friend, one that does not even live in the same state as myself, she came out of the bathroom, (had I not just been in there… alone?) still wet from the shower I must have not noticed due to my exhaustion. She danced up to me, taking hold of me tightly and kissed me as deeply as she could.
We both needed air and broke and she looked into my eyes and smiled, before I could say anything about needing to call my friends back, she said.
“Lets stay in, and turn off our phones, I want to consume you, inside and out, I want to spend the rest of my life with you right here and never leave!”
She then ran into the kitchen and began preparing breakfast for us, her body still bar as she danced in there, some privet song giving her body its direction. She suggested I take a shower and freshen up before we ate, so I headed off to comply.
I stood in the flow of the hot water for almost and hour before it began to run cold. As the water turned off I could hear my phone ringing again, I thought to ask my lithe little fey to answer it but I realized I still didn’t know her name. I stepped out of the bathroom and found she was not there. My phone had again stopped ringing. I moved into the kitchen and breakfast was waiting for me, but she was not there.
After I finished cleaning up, and putting my kitchen back in order, my phone began to ring again, I was determined not to miss it, but as I entered the living room, she was there turning it off. She smiled at me saying, “its time for us to finally be alone.” And my phone was off and tossed aside.
We began as we had the night before, her dancing and singing her spell, this time I joined her, and did my best to keep up with her bodies motion, humming along with her song, I cant remember what the words were, but they were lovely. I remember she seemed to still be wet from the shower, almost cold like she had been when I first brought her in the night before…
*knock, knock, knock*
I look up and realize I am alone, and someone is at my door. I look around and go to call for her, but still I have not gotten her name…
“Damn its Stephen, open the door, it’s me Cat!”
I am not sure why but my body again is all soar and tired; it’s a struggle to make it to the door. As I open it Cat looks in and turns white and almost screams, I fall back and wonder why I am so cold.
Cat recovers and enters the room, grabbing a blanket and putting it over me and helping me to the couch. It must have been several hours before I could understand what she was trying to say. Every now and then I would see my little fey in the door to my bedroom begging me to make her leave, then she would not be there, just a wisp of smoke it seemed remained. Every time she would fad away I would begin to cry again, the pain of not having her near unbearable.
Cat noticed finally what was going on and slapped me hard in the face, saying something about a hospital, my having a fever… I passed out.
When I wake, cat is still with me, but now I am in a hospital bed, and the doctors are saying there is nothing wrong with me that they can find, no reason for me to be in the shape I am in. I lay quietly there till they have gone and I am alone with cat.
“What’s going on,” I ask her, “why am I here?”
“we Had been trying to reach you for days, and finally I came over to your place, and you were sick, really sick. You had a fever of 105 when I got there.”
“I guess I owe you some thanks then.”
“damned strait you do,” cat said, “but I have some bad news for you, and I really don’t know how else to say it…”
“Where is the girl I was dancing with, I never got her name, was she still with me when you showed up?”
My question stops cat in mid sentence, cutting her off, and scaring her at the same time.
“What do you mean still with you?” She asked
“When I got home from the club that night” I begin to explain,” she was sitting on my porch waiting for me. I took her in and we ended up humping for the rest of the night. Then she made me … wait did you say, you guys were attempting to reach me for a week?”
Cat just sat there looking at me, paler than she normally was, even with her manic panic makeup, a tear streaking its way to her chin. When she began to talk her voice was shaking and broken, I could tell she was fighting with herself not to break down and start crying her heart out.
“Stephen… she died in a car crash New Years night, she drowned…”
As her words settled in I could hear her voice singing to me again, I could feel the cold wet silk of her body next to mine… her words clear this time.
“My name is Laura, I love you, please don’t let me die, I know you’re a vampire, please take me home with you, make me one of you.”
I remember telling her at the club, that I couldn’t do it, at least not with out knowing her better. I tried to convince her to come home with me, but she said she could not, that she was still with someone. And she cried at me saying she could not live without me that if I didn’t do this I would never see her again, that I would regret it.
My heart ached painfully knowing that I did love her, why I can’t say, just that I did, and knew I would for the rest of my life…
it lives
How many times have I called your name
Heart strained from all the pain
Knowing you lied and
Let all our love die
But it lives,
You think I’m the fool
Always laughing in their arms
Playing it cool
Knowing it lives
It lives in me
Love is all I have left
and no where to give
lost, my soul it rots and screams your name
heart strained from all the pain
knowing you lied
you watched as I died
always in their arms laughing
drinking it cool
knowing it lives
it lives in me.
Heart strained from all the pain
Knowing you lied and
Let all our love die
But it lives,
You think I’m the fool
Always laughing in their arms
Playing it cool
Knowing it lives
It lives in me
Love is all I have left
and no where to give
lost, my soul it rots and screams your name
heart strained from all the pain
knowing you lied
you watched as I died
always in their arms laughing
drinking it cool
knowing it lives
it lives in me.
seduction (erotica, be warned!)
She came over and we had dinner... spaghetti made with red wine and mushrooms... a pinot noir after, the only light, was from candles, and my personal favorites playing in the background...
I sat her down in the living room to stew, while I cleaned the kitchen up, singing to her along with the music as I did.
We talked after of things shared that we both an interest in. I took her hand and stood her up, first kissing her lips then her neck, my hands slowly leading her in a dance.
When the song by the cure (the same deep water as you) came on, with out stepping back I looked her in the eyes, and with out saying a word began to undress her... first her shirt and bra... taking special care to love and worship every inch of her body, each curve and turn of her body in its time, still leading her in the dance.
Then I, as she continued to sway in the trance of the music, freed her legs and thighs from those confinements worn by her. Again with detail, my lips and hands give great care to each curve and valley, my hands never touching her skin, but raising the energy between fingers and flesh as they passed.
She moaned under my care and wanted me then and there but I was not ready... no willing to take her so quickly slowly I stood before her my feet never having left the place they were when we started to dance... my lips so close as she breathed I felt them.
one of my favorite dead can dance songs came on... slow at first then building and I spun her round the room in a dark waltz... ending in an embrace that merged our bodies as one, moving like a tree in the wind to the music and as the song by Vangelis (La Petite Fille De La Mer) came on she started to weep. With out stopping I asked her why with a soft smile on my lips.
"Why do you weep?"
Her eyes were clouded and lost in some life she never knew saying,
"No one has ever given so much care to my seduction... no man or woman has ever treated me like this…"
I kissed her deeply, still dancing, our body’s very close, and then I told her to undress me.
She was new to this, and was hasty still; still she took her time and tried with all her soul to match the care I’d given her to me.
We were both nude and pressed together in the candles and she breathed into my mouth "take me..." I said "no... Not yet"
My body became that of a great hand, moving over hers as we danced there in the candles and music, and when she could take no more, my mouth found hers again. My cock slowly eased its way into her swollen and waiting pussy, and we danced like that.
She began to quiver... to weep... her legs to weak to hold her up. I took her into my arms and carried her to my bed... only 3 candles burned in my bedroom, but the music was still with us and I told her, “Now I will worship you as a goddess... “
I took the silk cords I had at my bed side and tide her wrist gently to the head board and her feet to the footboard... and blindfolded her with a silken scarf...
I then anointed her body with heating oils and spent half an hour massaging her body; First her shoulders and breast, rubbing gently the muscles of her midriff and inner thighs, then to the calves, ending with the feet.
I found the spot on her right foot that enabled me to bring her to orgasm and worked that spot for 10 min, all the while her body arched and rocked like a thing lost in the wind, moaning and begging it never stop.
During this the sounds that filled the room were those of Gregorian monks ... the candles flickering almost in time to their worship, as I worshiped her body.
She continued to weep... begging me not to stop... she moved in time to the music... a serpent entranced by the master. As (Fortune Presents Gifts Not According to the Book) by ‘dead can dance’ began to play I told her.
“Now… You are ready,” and she agreed.
I moved up her thighs, my lips kissing each side in turn till I reached her clit. My hands went under her hips and pulled her up, and I braced her up with a very thick pillow. I began to suckle at her clit, her body trembling the entire time... I could see the lips swell with blood, I could smell the sex growing in her, the hunger for it, she begged me to claim her.
Still I sucked at her; as the lyrics began in the song my fingers from under her found their way into her waiting pussy. First one, then two then three fingers, I pumped them into her as I sucked her. She cam instantly, and let out a sound utterly inhuman.
Placing two more pillows under her I sat watching her for 10 min. Her body quaking and trembling like mother earth when she lets slip her plates ... her breathing was broken, shallow... hazarded.
She went to speak and I told her to be silent... she never felt me move forward... she did not know when I would enter her. But when I did... the head of my cock reaching the full depth of her... she broke into tears... hysterical with completion.
I took my pleasure from her like that... 10 min it went on. Pulling out and freeing her hands so she could sit up leaving the blind fold on, I took her head and moved it close and told her.
"I want you to finish me, and not waist a drop."
And she did so eagerly, hungrily, consuming my cock utterly. It was my turn to tremble and quake, as she sucked so hard that as I cam, it felt as if she literally sucked the very life from me and consumed every drop.
We collapsed and laid there in the music and candles for 3 hours wrapped in each others arms and legs... motionless... breathless, till sleep claimed first her then me.
I sat her down in the living room to stew, while I cleaned the kitchen up, singing to her along with the music as I did.
We talked after of things shared that we both an interest in. I took her hand and stood her up, first kissing her lips then her neck, my hands slowly leading her in a dance.
When the song by the cure (the same deep water as you) came on, with out stepping back I looked her in the eyes, and with out saying a word began to undress her... first her shirt and bra... taking special care to love and worship every inch of her body, each curve and turn of her body in its time, still leading her in the dance.
Then I, as she continued to sway in the trance of the music, freed her legs and thighs from those confinements worn by her. Again with detail, my lips and hands give great care to each curve and valley, my hands never touching her skin, but raising the energy between fingers and flesh as they passed.
She moaned under my care and wanted me then and there but I was not ready... no willing to take her so quickly slowly I stood before her my feet never having left the place they were when we started to dance... my lips so close as she breathed I felt them.
one of my favorite dead can dance songs came on... slow at first then building and I spun her round the room in a dark waltz... ending in an embrace that merged our bodies as one, moving like a tree in the wind to the music and as the song by Vangelis (La Petite Fille De La Mer) came on she started to weep. With out stopping I asked her why with a soft smile on my lips.
"Why do you weep?"
Her eyes were clouded and lost in some life she never knew saying,
"No one has ever given so much care to my seduction... no man or woman has ever treated me like this…"
I kissed her deeply, still dancing, our body’s very close, and then I told her to undress me.
She was new to this, and was hasty still; still she took her time and tried with all her soul to match the care I’d given her to me.
We were both nude and pressed together in the candles and she breathed into my mouth "take me..." I said "no... Not yet"
My body became that of a great hand, moving over hers as we danced there in the candles and music, and when she could take no more, my mouth found hers again. My cock slowly eased its way into her swollen and waiting pussy, and we danced like that.
She began to quiver... to weep... her legs to weak to hold her up. I took her into my arms and carried her to my bed... only 3 candles burned in my bedroom, but the music was still with us and I told her, “Now I will worship you as a goddess... “
I took the silk cords I had at my bed side and tide her wrist gently to the head board and her feet to the footboard... and blindfolded her with a silken scarf...
I then anointed her body with heating oils and spent half an hour massaging her body; First her shoulders and breast, rubbing gently the muscles of her midriff and inner thighs, then to the calves, ending with the feet.
I found the spot on her right foot that enabled me to bring her to orgasm and worked that spot for 10 min, all the while her body arched and rocked like a thing lost in the wind, moaning and begging it never stop.
During this the sounds that filled the room were those of Gregorian monks ... the candles flickering almost in time to their worship, as I worshiped her body.
She continued to weep... begging me not to stop... she moved in time to the music... a serpent entranced by the master. As (Fortune Presents Gifts Not According to the Book) by ‘dead can dance’ began to play I told her.
“Now… You are ready,” and she agreed.
I moved up her thighs, my lips kissing each side in turn till I reached her clit. My hands went under her hips and pulled her up, and I braced her up with a very thick pillow. I began to suckle at her clit, her body trembling the entire time... I could see the lips swell with blood, I could smell the sex growing in her, the hunger for it, she begged me to claim her.
Still I sucked at her; as the lyrics began in the song my fingers from under her found their way into her waiting pussy. First one, then two then three fingers, I pumped them into her as I sucked her. She cam instantly, and let out a sound utterly inhuman.
Placing two more pillows under her I sat watching her for 10 min. Her body quaking and trembling like mother earth when she lets slip her plates ... her breathing was broken, shallow... hazarded.
She went to speak and I told her to be silent... she never felt me move forward... she did not know when I would enter her. But when I did... the head of my cock reaching the full depth of her... she broke into tears... hysterical with completion.
I took my pleasure from her like that... 10 min it went on. Pulling out and freeing her hands so she could sit up leaving the blind fold on, I took her head and moved it close and told her.
"I want you to finish me, and not waist a drop."
And she did so eagerly, hungrily, consuming my cock utterly. It was my turn to tremble and quake, as she sucked so hard that as I cam, it felt as if she literally sucked the very life from me and consumed every drop.
We collapsed and laid there in the music and candles for 3 hours wrapped in each others arms and legs... motionless... breathless, till sleep claimed first her then me.
all i crave
Every night I await your call
The sound of wind soft on my ear
Out my soul you pain to hush
You tell my how much you want me near
Threw the heavens I will fall
Every night I hear your call
I race to you my body a burden to bring
Out my soul to your side in a rush
Entwined our souls sing
It echoes from within my hearts wall
Every night by your side I lay
No one knows I am there
Out my soul pours a fevered blush
Neither your or I Burdened by care
Not fear or care till comes break of day
Every night I die with out your flesh
All I can steal for now is a wish
Out my soul pours a crimson flush
All I crave is from you passion your kiss
One day our bodies to will mesh
The sound of wind soft on my ear
Out my soul you pain to hush
You tell my how much you want me near
Threw the heavens I will fall
Every night I hear your call
I race to you my body a burden to bring
Out my soul to your side in a rush
Entwined our souls sing
It echoes from within my hearts wall
Every night by your side I lay
No one knows I am there
Out my soul pours a fevered blush
Neither your or I Burdened by care
Not fear or care till comes break of day
Every night I die with out your flesh
All I can steal for now is a wish
Out my soul pours a crimson flush
All I crave is from you passion your kiss
One day our bodies to will mesh
touch me
How do you do it
Call my name from so far away
Touch me
Words spoken by you say
The way by your soul was lit
Shadows dance in the dark
So warm and comforting your skin
Kiss me
Across the plans I risk all to win
Upon me has been left your mark
My open arms await you
I rushed threw the night to find
Hold me
So soft you offered command I mind
My deepest self you’ve always knew
Still you’re there though I lie alone
A spirit not flesh comforts me
Love me
A presence I feel and can not see
Still is my mind with you in my home
Call my name from so far away
Touch me
Words spoken by you say
The way by your soul was lit
Shadows dance in the dark
So warm and comforting your skin
Kiss me
Across the plans I risk all to win
Upon me has been left your mark
My open arms await you
I rushed threw the night to find
Hold me
So soft you offered command I mind
My deepest self you’ve always knew
Still you’re there though I lie alone
A spirit not flesh comforts me
Love me
A presence I feel and can not see
Still is my mind with you in my home
Immortal vows
I know I am not as you
And you are as all others
Blind to the truth that is me
How can you ask me to do
What you will not ask of your brothers
It is wrong this thing
You are right to ask
Once like I, still you will not see
This gift is not as simple as a ring
More a sorrowful task
I will undo in you what is mortal
The world for you will die
As a puppet on strings you will be
Now come and step through my waiting portal
And taste the gift I give, the lie
Out of you flows all life
Consuming your blood is my delight
My happiness is in you the key
Now you’re made my eternal wife
No more with death shall you fight
First your brothers then father
Let us hunt them now like cows
Drink with me deep from their mortal sea
Your sisters and mother we’ll not bother
As you swear by these immortal vows
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
And you are as all others
Blind to the truth that is me
How can you ask me to do
What you will not ask of your brothers
It is wrong this thing
You are right to ask
Once like I, still you will not see
This gift is not as simple as a ring
More a sorrowful task
I will undo in you what is mortal
The world for you will die
As a puppet on strings you will be
Now come and step through my waiting portal
And taste the gift I give, the lie
Out of you flows all life
Consuming your blood is my delight
My happiness is in you the key
Now you’re made my eternal wife
No more with death shall you fight
First your brothers then father
Let us hunt them now like cows
Drink with me deep from their mortal sea
Your sisters and mother we’ll not bother
As you swear by these immortal vows
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
my- a poem
My death my death my death
Screaming up out darkness poured
My heart my heart my heart
Torn out cast aside bleeding scoured
My mind my mind my mind
Never to fall shrieking alone moored
My soul my soul my soul
Now passion desire only you adored
My love my love my love
With out regret now is given.
Screaming up out darkness poured
My heart my heart my heart
Torn out cast aside bleeding scoured
My mind my mind my mind
Never to fall shrieking alone moored
My soul my soul my soul
Now passion desire only you adored
My love my love my love
With out regret now is given.
Monday, August 24, 2009
feeding a discussion
You're invited to a discussion!
The effects of extended non-feeding
Who:
Sanguinarians / blood vampires are invited to discuss, but everyone is welcome to attend.
When:
Tuesday, August 25th
...
4:00 pm Pacific
5:00 pm Mountain (4:00 pm Arizona)
6:00 pm Central
7:00 pm Eastern
11:00 pm GMT
What and Why:
Discussion will be over possible effects of extended non-feeding, to examine what parallels may be present in sang vampires who have not fed for extended periods of time. Some questions to consider: 1.) How long have you gone without feeding? 2.) What changes, discomforts and ailments, increased/decreased sensitivities, abilities, etc. have you experienced since you have not been feeding? 3.) For those who have gone a year or years, have these gotten worse or better over time? 4.) Other considerations or topics you'd like to discuss?
Where and How:
The discussion will be held in #Sanguinarius, a channel (IRC chat room) on dalnet. If you are not familiar with IRC, go to the #Sanguinarius home page at http://irc.sanguinarius.org/ -- we have a web-based chat applet you can use to connect. We also have instructions to download and set up an excellent IRC client called mIRC. Or you can go to http://www.mirc.com/ to get it.
More Info:
Discussion will be moderated, so please stick to the topic or question currently being discussed, and keep extraneous chatter to a minimum. This will be logged as a public chat, and the log may be distributed and re-posted so that others may avail themselves of the knowledge and discussion shared therein.
Visit Vampire Community News at: http://suscitatio.ning.com
The effects of extended non-feeding
Who:
Sanguinarians / blood vampires are invited to discuss, but everyone is welcome to attend.
When:
Tuesday, August 25th
...
4:00 pm Pacific
5:00 pm Mountain (4:00 pm Arizona)
6:00 pm Central
7:00 pm Eastern
11:00 pm GMT
What and Why:
Discussion will be over possible effects of extended non-feeding, to examine what parallels may be present in sang vampires who have not fed for extended periods of time. Some questions to consider: 1.) How long have you gone without feeding? 2.) What changes, discomforts and ailments, increased/decreased sensitivities, abilities, etc. have you experienced since you have not been feeding? 3.) For those who have gone a year or years, have these gotten worse or better over time? 4.) Other considerations or topics you'd like to discuss?
Where and How:
The discussion will be held in #Sanguinarius, a channel (IRC chat room) on dalnet. If you are not familiar with IRC, go to the #Sanguinarius home page at http://irc.sanguinarius.org/ -- we have a web-based chat applet you can use to connect. We also have instructions to download and set up an excellent IRC client called mIRC. Or you can go to http://www.mirc.com/ to get it.
More Info:
Discussion will be moderated, so please stick to the topic or question currently being discussed, and keep extraneous chatter to a minimum. This will be logged as a public chat, and the log may be distributed and re-posted so that others may avail themselves of the knowledge and discussion shared therein.
Visit Vampire Community News at: http://suscitatio.ning.com
Saturday, August 22, 2009
reborn!
last night i dream i cloned myself, and as i took the new me around and showed him to everyone, teaching him, he was loved by all, and i was asked what would happen to me, i said i would fad away as he replaced me....
something has changed and if i can hold onto it,it will be wonderful, i can feel the wind in the soul and it calls to all that behold, to witness how strong i will be again, with out fear. the breath of life calls out, and i must consume it!
i can smell the red gold on the wind, i can almost taste it, the hunger trembles me and i and full of its passion! the need to consume it
something has changed and if i can hold onto it,it will be wonderful, i can feel the wind in the soul and it calls to all that behold, to witness how strong i will be again, with out fear. the breath of life calls out, and i must consume it!
i can smell the red gold on the wind, i can almost taste it, the hunger trembles me and i and full of its passion! the need to consume it
Thursday, August 13, 2009
words of the dark father
There is no power in all the universe of men or monster that can free me from the confines of my own depravity, such is the will of a life given not by choice, to living in suffering by the hands of all one knows, for the taste of a single drop of blood.
Vodalok, 12/31/12.
Vodalok, 12/31/12.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
slipping away 2
seems i am on a role;
Oh what fleeting wind passes so quiet, full of grace
The sound of bells in leaves ring with a hint of spring
To quick to capture with hands or lens
A bit of verse to golden to not perverse
is lost if spoken full
And not preserved for eternity on parchment you fool
Oh what fleeting wind passes so quiet, full of grace
The sound of bells in leaves ring with a hint of spring
To quick to capture with hands or lens
A bit of verse to golden to not perverse
is lost if spoken full
And not preserved for eternity on parchment you fool
slipping away
I just wrote this poem, inspired by a tweet i sent to @CalistaThan;
In a moments passing that slips away we are left with nothing to say
Only regret for the lose of time as passed can not be gained in fast
Or with force of will persuade to return as we watch it all burn
And float as cinders to the sky the end of all our lies
With no thrown dice, we watch fall away the last of life.
In a moments passing that slips away we are left with nothing to say
Only regret for the lose of time as passed can not be gained in fast
Or with force of will persuade to return as we watch it all burn
And float as cinders to the sky the end of all our lies
With no thrown dice, we watch fall away the last of life.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
storms are
storms are amazingly powerful manifestations of the Gods in our lives, and for some they are a source of power and renewal. but for me in the last year they have become a dreaded harbinger of suffering and pain that i can not really express to you in words, but i will try.
when they come they fill me with and over abundance of static, and it builds up and discharges inside of me rather than outside of me. they cause every muscle and joint in my body to swell and pulse with this built up static, this causes me to ache and hurt so much all i can do is pray it will pass and i can begin to enjoy live again.
even writing this is a tremendous task, a tedious test of torturous trauma. and then, there is the damp humid weight pressing down on me from the pressure of the storm. And sledgehammer driven body spikes that tear through me every time the lightning strikes anywhere within 5 miles of me. yes i feel every strike as if it had stricken me directly.
one may ask, then if the storms are a sign of the Gods in our lives, why then are you so beaten down by them.
its simple, i stopped feeding like i should years ago, or is it something else?
i am after all a vampire, what could i have done to be forced to suffer like this?
when they come they fill me with and over abundance of static, and it builds up and discharges inside of me rather than outside of me. they cause every muscle and joint in my body to swell and pulse with this built up static, this causes me to ache and hurt so much all i can do is pray it will pass and i can begin to enjoy live again.
even writing this is a tremendous task, a tedious test of torturous trauma. and then, there is the damp humid weight pressing down on me from the pressure of the storm. And sledgehammer driven body spikes that tear through me every time the lightning strikes anywhere within 5 miles of me. yes i feel every strike as if it had stricken me directly.
one may ask, then if the storms are a sign of the Gods in our lives, why then are you so beaten down by them.
its simple, i stopped feeding like i should years ago, or is it something else?
i am after all a vampire, what could i have done to be forced to suffer like this?
Sunday, August 2, 2009
real vampires
looking for intelligent conversation on vampires? then go here, http://infectiousbite.com/
Thursday, July 30, 2009
voices in the night.
well, I've been twittering for a bit now and have i think, found a new friend who is not just another would be, vampire in passing. check my list of those if follow here as there is a blogger for her and her two friends as well. infectousbite.com. we shall see.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
are you an author looking to be heard?
come join us, bring your fans, spread the word!
It is the year of the Indy Authors, help us make our voices heard!
http://reviewabook.ning.com/
It is the year of the Indy Authors, help us make our voices heard!
http://reviewabook.ning.com/
Sunday, January 18, 2009
book review!
Ok, you're thinking i got one... not yet, what i have is a review of a Vampire Romance novel from a very talented lady, that if you dont know her yet you better get yer arses out there and find out about her! here is my review, and i mean it! look her up, buy her books, shes amazing!
FALLEN FROM
SHADOW
By Andrea Dean Van Scoyoc
A review by L. A. Nantz
Author of Incubus Succubus (- Awakening)
I recently had the pleasure to read a vampire romance by the lovely Andrea Dean Van Scoyoc, it was a pre-re-release of one of her first novels, one that she has a rather large soft spot for, like that old sweater, tee-shirt, or pair of shoes you keep simply because you love them so much no matter how much others may not. Well she has very good reason to love this novel, and so will you.
As I began to read the first chapter I found myself asking why I was doing so, but I soon realized it was desperately needed to set up just what kind of character, person, Farayne is, was in her life. Don’t skip it, or you will be cheating yourself out of one the best set ups in a novel I have ever read.
Farayne’s free spirit and unbearable boredom with her life in general lead her to do things woman of her age and standing should never do. As a result she ends up facing the end of her live only to have it given back to her by an ancient vampire of Scottish decent who simply can’t stay away from her.
Deciding whom was bewitched by who is difficult at best, and pointless. The love they share is the kind of love that not only woman dream of, but men in their deepest of secret gardens long for.
What the lovely Farayne endures after embracing the greatest love of all time is beyond words, and I will not give it away, you’ll have to find out on your own. Suffice it to say by the last line in the novel I was brought to tears, and I even cursed Andrea for making me cry. … All in all it’s a beautiful novel of such grand scope; I hope and pray she will in time expand on the story. A Story that’s only fault’s are a slow opening and it is far too short. I found myself wanting to no more about the life of Farayne, of her eternal love, and of the other creatures of the night she eludes to near the end… mostly the zombies… gods I would love to see what they really are through her words… the all to brief mention of them is evilly teasing and cruelly short.
Look for this novel to be announced for released at the following addresses around February 1 .
On myspace:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=4475462
and her personal website:
http://thelosttheforgottenthedamned.com/
FALLEN FROM
SHADOW
By Andrea Dean Van Scoyoc
A review by L. A. Nantz
Author of Incubus Succubus (- Awakening)
I recently had the pleasure to read a vampire romance by the lovely Andrea Dean Van Scoyoc, it was a pre-re-release of one of her first novels, one that she has a rather large soft spot for, like that old sweater, tee-shirt, or pair of shoes you keep simply because you love them so much no matter how much others may not. Well she has very good reason to love this novel, and so will you.
As I began to read the first chapter I found myself asking why I was doing so, but I soon realized it was desperately needed to set up just what kind of character, person, Farayne is, was in her life. Don’t skip it, or you will be cheating yourself out of one the best set ups in a novel I have ever read.
Farayne’s free spirit and unbearable boredom with her life in general lead her to do things woman of her age and standing should never do. As a result she ends up facing the end of her live only to have it given back to her by an ancient vampire of Scottish decent who simply can’t stay away from her.
Deciding whom was bewitched by who is difficult at best, and pointless. The love they share is the kind of love that not only woman dream of, but men in their deepest of secret gardens long for.
What the lovely Farayne endures after embracing the greatest love of all time is beyond words, and I will not give it away, you’ll have to find out on your own. Suffice it to say by the last line in the novel I was brought to tears, and I even cursed Andrea for making me cry. … All in all it’s a beautiful novel of such grand scope; I hope and pray she will in time expand on the story. A Story that’s only fault’s are a slow opening and it is far too short. I found myself wanting to no more about the life of Farayne, of her eternal love, and of the other creatures of the night she eludes to near the end… mostly the zombies… gods I would love to see what they really are through her words… the all to brief mention of them is evilly teasing and cruelly short.
Look for this novel to be announced for released at the following addresses around February 1 .
On myspace:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=4475462
and her personal website:
http://thelosttheforgottenthedamned.com/
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
you belong to me
if after reading the following short story, you would like to read my first novel, it can be found here;
http://stores.lulu.com/store.php?fAcctID=1076784
The following short story is to be published in the up coming book of short stories,
"From the Mind of L. A. Nantz, 11 Tales of Dread"
I truelly hope you enjoy it as much as i do, the story itself was inspired by "God Modules - Still so Strange" check them and the song out, listen to it if you will while reading the story, they really do go very very well together.
and now...
..................
.. ..
“You belong to me”
"I CAN'T, it's too much!"
Levee screamed out, the tears in her eyes a lie, as the whip came down again on her back. The leather pealed across her flesh with a sick sound of wet tearing, blood exploding into the air, spraying the face of Dominick.
"TELL ME!" Dominick screamed at her, his right hand knotted up in her hair, pulling her head back as far as it could go.
"Tell me what I want to hear and it will be over!”
Levee looked into his eyes and tried to say what he wanted but she could not, not with her head held back the way it was. She was gasping for air, choking on her own tears, the burning on her back from over 100 lashes was beginning to hurt more than she had wanted it too. She wanted to give the safe word but she was getting weak and Dominick had had way to much to drink was in no shape to continue this safely.
The whip went up and came down again, again, again, again, again, and again, each lashing tearing at her back even more. Levee choked hard, trying to form the word, but could not.
Dominick pulled back on her head harder, Levee’s hair tearing loose in his hand, between his fingers. Then something popped and all the life went out of Levee. Thinking she was faking, he lashed her back another 10 times but he saw no spasm of pain, no flinch, no regret, just the flesh ripping, the blood spraying.
Dropping the whip, he quickly undid her bindings and pulled her down from the cross. Her body was warm and limp; her head rolled to the side with a sick sound… her eyes were frozen, looking at nothing.
Dominick knelt there holding her for almost an hour before he began to cry, every muscle in his body was screaming out in pain, but he didn't care. All he wanted was to sober up and take back what he'd done, to undo the murder of his precious divine Levee. He knelt there holding her body crying for an entire day and night, not moving, unable to look away from her lifeless eyes.
When the door to his dungeon opened and his friends Tomas and Lucy came in, he did not move. When they tried to pull her away, he would not let them, but still he would not move, at this point he could not move.
Lucy looked around and saw the empty whiskey bottles, the blood on the walls, all over Dominick's face, the bloody whip on the ground at his side. Tomas was trying to talk to him to try and convince him that he had to get up and let go, but he would have none of it.
"Dom, come on, she's dead, you have to let go and get up. We have to call the police or something, we cant just leave her here like this…"
Tomas looked around the room, the impact of what had happened coming clear to him, too clear. He had to run upstairs and into the bathroom to relieve himself the of the sickness that overwhelmed him.
Lucy took over where Tomas left off, but she had more success than he had. Slowly Dominick let go of Levee and allowed Lucy to help him sit back on the floor. His face was a wreck of tears and blood, his green eyes almost swollen shut from too much crying and no more tears to shed. His lips were cracked and chapped from dehydration.
Slowly he looked up at Lucy and said he didn't mean to, that they had been drinking and she had convinced him to come down for some fun.
"So she asked you to do this while you were drinking?" asked Lucy, trying hard to understand why they had been down here alone drinking when levee was the one that set the rule that there should always be someone else here just in case.
Dominick looked at her and started to cry again.
"Yeah… you know how she can get… could get. I guess I was too excited and too drunk to think about it clearly. it was fun at first, she said that the whiskey was making it hard to feel anything… I should have known she was too drunk…"
Dominick looked over at her lifeless body and heaved heavily, letting out a shuttering breath that made his entire body tremble.
"I can't live with out her Lucy… I … just can't!"
And with that he was lost in his misery again.
Tomas came back down and knelt beside him and Lucy, and she tried to explain what she understood to him. He just sat there and tried to take it all in.
"We should call the cops…" he started to say but Dominick gave him a look of such utter hatred for even suggesting it that Tomas found himself backing away. When Dominick began to talk, neither Lucy or Tomas could believe what was coming out of his mouth!
"We can bring her back… we can make her live again. I have this book… it's been in my family for gods only know how long. There's a spell in there, me and Levee promised each other that if one of us was to die, that the other was to bring them back. I promised her I would… "
Dominick's eyes were way too open and full of madness for either Lucy or Tomas to say no or try to talk him out of it, let alone say anything at all. Dominick got up and ran upstairs.
"Lucy, we have to do something, he's gone mad, we can't let him do this."
"Tom, I don't know what we can do. Do you have your cell phone?"
"No…it's in the car"
They looked around for either Levee's or Dominick's phone but didn't see them. At that moment Dominick came back down stairs with a huge book that looked ancient. It was bound in iron with a huge golden clasp. There were no markings of any kind on the front or back. As far as they could tell it was just an old book.
Dominick set it down and ran upstairs again. They could hear him going through things and breaking stuff as he hunted for whatever it was he was looking for.
Tomas turned the book around so it was facing him and unfastened the clasp, the book popped open, the pages fluttering a bit until they settled about half way open. They looked at it and it was covered page to page in drawings and some language they had no idea how to even begin to read.
Lucy went to touch the page closest to her and the words on that page began to glow, giving off a warmth she had not expected to feel. She pulled her hand back quickly and moved away from the book, looking at Tomas as she did.
"This can't be happening!"
"It is…" came Dominick's voice from behind them, his arms full of objects that he began to set down on the floor next to Levee's body.
"Tomas I need you to move levee to the middle of the room. Try not to hurt her, she's been through too much already. Lucy will take these candles and place them in the holders set around the room."
As they started to do as he asked, still not sure if they should run or stay, Dominick pulled the carpet up and revealed on the floor a great big circle of white, the details of it matching those of the circle in the book on the page that had opened to when the clasp was undone.
Tomas watched as Dominick washed Levee's body in wine and some foul smelling oil. He then placed copper coins on her eyes and took 9-inch barn spikes and nailed her hands to the floor, then her feet as well. Lucy almost screamed when Dominick did this, but he looked at her, and the eyes that she saw in his head were not his anymore. They belonged to some insane monster. All she could do was back away and into the far wall where she stayed.
Dominick went up and closed the door. He stood there for a moment looking down, his mad expression softened for a moment and then he came back down, and a tear in his eyes. He wiped the tear with one finger and put it on the lips of Levee.
Kneeling down beside her and the book, he asked Tomas to back up and not interfere at all. Slowly he began to recite from the book. As his hand hovered over the page, each word flared with an almost blinding light, and every word lit a candle.
After the candles were lit, he kept reciting from the book. He took a knife and cut his hand and with the tip of the knife used his blood to draw glyphs and symbols on Levee's naked body. As the symbols were finished, they began to glow with an eerie green light.
Dominick stood up and began to chant over and over in the language of the book as more symbols took shape in the air about him. With each new repetition of the chant, a new symbol burned in the air, filling the room with smoke, smoke that fell to the floor and clung to Levee like fog.
A scream pieced the air that came from no where and everywhere at the same time, a scream so shrill and high pitched that it made Tomas and Lucy's ears bleed. They fell to floor clutching their heads to try and block out what sounded like millions of voices. They could not; it filled every inch of them with dread, making them feel as if the scream would consume them. When they looked up, Dominick was still standing, still chanting, his own ears bleeding from the sound of what Tomas could only assume was the sound of the dead.
Now all they could see of Levee was her face, white and glowing in the blackness that clung to her, seeming almost alive. Her body lurched and arched up in the middle, her back bent almost to breaking, held down only by the nails driven deeply into the cement floor. Her mouth was open now and the scream, though still way too high, was only a single voice and coming from her mouth.
Dominick continued to chant, but now he stood over Levee, his legs straddling her body as it floated in the air beneath him. Dominick held the knife up high, calling out to who or what Lucy and Tomas didn't know. When Dominick looked up at the knife it was struck with lightning. Where it came from they didn't want to know but it made the knife glow red then blue with heat, and still it did not melt. They could smell the flesh of Dominick's hand begin to burn, they could see the smoke rising from his hand but still he held tight and continued to chant without showing any signs of pain. As the blade cooled, Levee's body slowly lowered to the floor.
Now Lucy and Tomas could hear the words Dominick spoke, they could now understand them.
"Everything is just so strange that it just hurts my mind
And I still want to believe in the misery and agony and suffering
I still want to believe in a world where you still belong to me"
Lucy looked down at Levee, away from Dominick, she could not believe what she was seeing, hearing, and to her horror, Levee's mouth was mimicking the words,
"You belong to me"
Slowly the nails began to rise up out of the floor, pulling the flesh of Levee's hands and feet up with them, until they came free of her, and her body fully collapsed onto the floor.
Everything went dark, quiet, still.
Lucy and Tomas, fearing the worst huddled together, waiting for their eyes to adjust to the dim light of the basement. They saw Dominick slowly sink to his knees next to Levee, holding her, and to their wonder she was holding him back. He was crying again and saying he was sorry, she was saying that she forgave him.
She looked over at Lucy and Tomas, her eyes were shot black, her teeth were whiter than they should have been, all jagged and terrible. She smiled at them as she spoke to Dominick.
“Its okay love, I forgive you. We will now be together forever. I believe in the misery, and agony, and suffering,” Lucy could hear the Corus of voices in Levee’s words again, though no where near as loud or shrill, it still hurt to hear her speak, just not the way it had, “I have been delivered into the world where you still belong to me."
And as the words dripped out of her lips like acid, she raised her head and took a grizzly bite out of Dominick's neck. Dripping from her mouth was Dominick’s blood as she looked at Lucy and Tomas, slowly rising, dropping his now lifeless body hissing at them.
"You belong to me".
*This story inspired by -God module’s- “Still so strange”.
http://stores.lulu.com/store.php?fAcctID=1076784
The following short story is to be published in the up coming book of short stories,
"From the Mind of L. A. Nantz, 11 Tales of Dread"
I truelly hope you enjoy it as much as i do, the story itself was inspired by "God Modules - Still so Strange" check them and the song out, listen to it if you will while reading the story, they really do go very very well together.
and now...
..................
.. ..
“You belong to me”
"I CAN'T, it's too much!"
Levee screamed out, the tears in her eyes a lie, as the whip came down again on her back. The leather pealed across her flesh with a sick sound of wet tearing, blood exploding into the air, spraying the face of Dominick.
"TELL ME!" Dominick screamed at her, his right hand knotted up in her hair, pulling her head back as far as it could go.
"Tell me what I want to hear and it will be over!”
Levee looked into his eyes and tried to say what he wanted but she could not, not with her head held back the way it was. She was gasping for air, choking on her own tears, the burning on her back from over 100 lashes was beginning to hurt more than she had wanted it too. She wanted to give the safe word but she was getting weak and Dominick had had way to much to drink was in no shape to continue this safely.
The whip went up and came down again, again, again, again, again, and again, each lashing tearing at her back even more. Levee choked hard, trying to form the word, but could not.
Dominick pulled back on her head harder, Levee’s hair tearing loose in his hand, between his fingers. Then something popped and all the life went out of Levee. Thinking she was faking, he lashed her back another 10 times but he saw no spasm of pain, no flinch, no regret, just the flesh ripping, the blood spraying.
Dropping the whip, he quickly undid her bindings and pulled her down from the cross. Her body was warm and limp; her head rolled to the side with a sick sound… her eyes were frozen, looking at nothing.
Dominick knelt there holding her for almost an hour before he began to cry, every muscle in his body was screaming out in pain, but he didn't care. All he wanted was to sober up and take back what he'd done, to undo the murder of his precious divine Levee. He knelt there holding her body crying for an entire day and night, not moving, unable to look away from her lifeless eyes.
When the door to his dungeon opened and his friends Tomas and Lucy came in, he did not move. When they tried to pull her away, he would not let them, but still he would not move, at this point he could not move.
Lucy looked around and saw the empty whiskey bottles, the blood on the walls, all over Dominick's face, the bloody whip on the ground at his side. Tomas was trying to talk to him to try and convince him that he had to get up and let go, but he would have none of it.
"Dom, come on, she's dead, you have to let go and get up. We have to call the police or something, we cant just leave her here like this…"
Tomas looked around the room, the impact of what had happened coming clear to him, too clear. He had to run upstairs and into the bathroom to relieve himself the of the sickness that overwhelmed him.
Lucy took over where Tomas left off, but she had more success than he had. Slowly Dominick let go of Levee and allowed Lucy to help him sit back on the floor. His face was a wreck of tears and blood, his green eyes almost swollen shut from too much crying and no more tears to shed. His lips were cracked and chapped from dehydration.
Slowly he looked up at Lucy and said he didn't mean to, that they had been drinking and she had convinced him to come down for some fun.
"So she asked you to do this while you were drinking?" asked Lucy, trying hard to understand why they had been down here alone drinking when levee was the one that set the rule that there should always be someone else here just in case.
Dominick looked at her and started to cry again.
"Yeah… you know how she can get… could get. I guess I was too excited and too drunk to think about it clearly. it was fun at first, she said that the whiskey was making it hard to feel anything… I should have known she was too drunk…"
Dominick looked over at her lifeless body and heaved heavily, letting out a shuttering breath that made his entire body tremble.
"I can't live with out her Lucy… I … just can't!"
And with that he was lost in his misery again.
Tomas came back down and knelt beside him and Lucy, and she tried to explain what she understood to him. He just sat there and tried to take it all in.
"We should call the cops…" he started to say but Dominick gave him a look of such utter hatred for even suggesting it that Tomas found himself backing away. When Dominick began to talk, neither Lucy or Tomas could believe what was coming out of his mouth!
"We can bring her back… we can make her live again. I have this book… it's been in my family for gods only know how long. There's a spell in there, me and Levee promised each other that if one of us was to die, that the other was to bring them back. I promised her I would… "
Dominick's eyes were way too open and full of madness for either Lucy or Tomas to say no or try to talk him out of it, let alone say anything at all. Dominick got up and ran upstairs.
"Lucy, we have to do something, he's gone mad, we can't let him do this."
"Tom, I don't know what we can do. Do you have your cell phone?"
"No…it's in the car"
They looked around for either Levee's or Dominick's phone but didn't see them. At that moment Dominick came back down stairs with a huge book that looked ancient. It was bound in iron with a huge golden clasp. There were no markings of any kind on the front or back. As far as they could tell it was just an old book.
Dominick set it down and ran upstairs again. They could hear him going through things and breaking stuff as he hunted for whatever it was he was looking for.
Tomas turned the book around so it was facing him and unfastened the clasp, the book popped open, the pages fluttering a bit until they settled about half way open. They looked at it and it was covered page to page in drawings and some language they had no idea how to even begin to read.
Lucy went to touch the page closest to her and the words on that page began to glow, giving off a warmth she had not expected to feel. She pulled her hand back quickly and moved away from the book, looking at Tomas as she did.
"This can't be happening!"
"It is…" came Dominick's voice from behind them, his arms full of objects that he began to set down on the floor next to Levee's body.
"Tomas I need you to move levee to the middle of the room. Try not to hurt her, she's been through too much already. Lucy will take these candles and place them in the holders set around the room."
As they started to do as he asked, still not sure if they should run or stay, Dominick pulled the carpet up and revealed on the floor a great big circle of white, the details of it matching those of the circle in the book on the page that had opened to when the clasp was undone.
Tomas watched as Dominick washed Levee's body in wine and some foul smelling oil. He then placed copper coins on her eyes and took 9-inch barn spikes and nailed her hands to the floor, then her feet as well. Lucy almost screamed when Dominick did this, but he looked at her, and the eyes that she saw in his head were not his anymore. They belonged to some insane monster. All she could do was back away and into the far wall where she stayed.
Dominick went up and closed the door. He stood there for a moment looking down, his mad expression softened for a moment and then he came back down, and a tear in his eyes. He wiped the tear with one finger and put it on the lips of Levee.
Kneeling down beside her and the book, he asked Tomas to back up and not interfere at all. Slowly he began to recite from the book. As his hand hovered over the page, each word flared with an almost blinding light, and every word lit a candle.
After the candles were lit, he kept reciting from the book. He took a knife and cut his hand and with the tip of the knife used his blood to draw glyphs and symbols on Levee's naked body. As the symbols were finished, they began to glow with an eerie green light.
Dominick stood up and began to chant over and over in the language of the book as more symbols took shape in the air about him. With each new repetition of the chant, a new symbol burned in the air, filling the room with smoke, smoke that fell to the floor and clung to Levee like fog.
A scream pieced the air that came from no where and everywhere at the same time, a scream so shrill and high pitched that it made Tomas and Lucy's ears bleed. They fell to floor clutching their heads to try and block out what sounded like millions of voices. They could not; it filled every inch of them with dread, making them feel as if the scream would consume them. When they looked up, Dominick was still standing, still chanting, his own ears bleeding from the sound of what Tomas could only assume was the sound of the dead.
Now all they could see of Levee was her face, white and glowing in the blackness that clung to her, seeming almost alive. Her body lurched and arched up in the middle, her back bent almost to breaking, held down only by the nails driven deeply into the cement floor. Her mouth was open now and the scream, though still way too high, was only a single voice and coming from her mouth.
Dominick continued to chant, but now he stood over Levee, his legs straddling her body as it floated in the air beneath him. Dominick held the knife up high, calling out to who or what Lucy and Tomas didn't know. When Dominick looked up at the knife it was struck with lightning. Where it came from they didn't want to know but it made the knife glow red then blue with heat, and still it did not melt. They could smell the flesh of Dominick's hand begin to burn, they could see the smoke rising from his hand but still he held tight and continued to chant without showing any signs of pain. As the blade cooled, Levee's body slowly lowered to the floor.
Now Lucy and Tomas could hear the words Dominick spoke, they could now understand them.
"Everything is just so strange that it just hurts my mind
And I still want to believe in the misery and agony and suffering
I still want to believe in a world where you still belong to me"
Lucy looked down at Levee, away from Dominick, she could not believe what she was seeing, hearing, and to her horror, Levee's mouth was mimicking the words,
"You belong to me"
Slowly the nails began to rise up out of the floor, pulling the flesh of Levee's hands and feet up with them, until they came free of her, and her body fully collapsed onto the floor.
Everything went dark, quiet, still.
Lucy and Tomas, fearing the worst huddled together, waiting for their eyes to adjust to the dim light of the basement. They saw Dominick slowly sink to his knees next to Levee, holding her, and to their wonder she was holding him back. He was crying again and saying he was sorry, she was saying that she forgave him.
She looked over at Lucy and Tomas, her eyes were shot black, her teeth were whiter than they should have been, all jagged and terrible. She smiled at them as she spoke to Dominick.
“Its okay love, I forgive you. We will now be together forever. I believe in the misery, and agony, and suffering,” Lucy could hear the Corus of voices in Levee’s words again, though no where near as loud or shrill, it still hurt to hear her speak, just not the way it had, “I have been delivered into the world where you still belong to me."
And as the words dripped out of her lips like acid, she raised her head and took a grizzly bite out of Dominick's neck. Dripping from her mouth was Dominick’s blood as she looked at Lucy and Tomas, slowly rising, dropping his now lifeless body hissing at them.
"You belong to me".
*This story inspired by -God module’s- “Still so strange”.
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